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Archive for the ‘Humor’

SLOW LEARNER

June 16, 2017 By: bob Category: Humor, Something To Think About

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It is very clear to me that I am a slow learner.

What is the old saying?  One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

For 50+ years I have faithfully participated in our system of government.  Working, paying taxes and voting for the person whom I honestly felt best qualified for whatever position needed to be filled.

In the process I have unwittingly contributed to help create a system filled with what I like to call “Clowns, Criminals and Lunatics” in charge of a poorly organized, mostly criminal enterprise that robs its own citizens while rewarding corruption and theft.

Not to say that all members of Congress fit this description but the 2 or 3 percent who do not fit the description are totally outgunned by the 97 or 98 percent who do.

They have littered our history with the rot and debris of failed government “programs” and left us with an ever growing percentage of  our citizenry enslaved and addicted to a government funded by runaway debt.  At this writing some 20 Trillion Dollars worth and growing.

What I observe is self serving politicians working for their own re-election goals and not the needs of their constituents.  Corruption and greed on a massive scale.  Political correctness twisted to serve political agendas.

Once Government declared War on Poverty.  Poverty won.

I no longer expect anything out of government but lies, corruption, failed programs and debt.  After 50 years why should I expect anything else?  Lie to me once – shame on you.  Lie to me a thousand times – shame on me.  To borrow from one of my earlier writings:  “Expecting something good to come out of Washington is like fishing for your dinner in a septic tank”.

Some of these programs were well intentioned but misguided and horribly mismanaged.  Instead of helping the needy  to grow into confident self sufficient individuals, they created addicts to the slavery of dependency on the drug of a cancerous charity that steals their freedom and dignity.

One of life’s great truths: Forced charity breeds resentment. If you take by force the fruits of those who worked for them to enrich those who will not work for themselves, you create enmity and bitterness on both the unwilling giver and the ungrateful receiver.

Recently I heard a commentator say that it is not worthwhile to read or listen to the “Drive By” “Mainstream Media”.  Most of which have become nothing more than a public forum of “Innuendo”, “lies from anonymous sources”, “Talking Points”, “Propaganda” and other agenda driven non-news.  At first I was inclined to reject his advice but on further thought it finally registered with me that he was right. All reading and listening to this “drivel” accomplishes is to make me mad and insult my intelligence.

Soooooo…….

I have determined to accept the fact that our government is, with or without my participation, firmly on the path to economic destruction and cultural ruin and I want to minimize my part in this endeavor to an absolute legal minimum.

I will, to the best of my ability, violate no laws but I sure “ain’t” going to help them either.

I will focus my own efforts to helping those I care about find a way to survive the chaos and destruction that is sure to come.  “A house divided”.

At some point the “Government” is going to find their “wagon” abandoned with no one left to pull it.

Bob Bandy

 

 

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CLIPBOARD FREEDOM

May 16, 2017 By: bob Category: Humor

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clipboard 1a

True story but I wrote this just for fun.

In the early and mid 1960’s the Army was not politically correct.  The Army used what can best be described as a  “destroy the old you and make you into the new Army you” method in Basic and Advanced Training.  At least that was their plan.

During “Basic Training” I learned to survive the Army’s version, at that time, of Hell.  I am told that in the modern incarnation it has become more genteel.  In those days it meant little sleep, being treated like a convict on Devils Island, long marches, verbal abuse, almost inedible food, etc.

After “Basic Training” you graduated to “Advanced Training”.  In my case I was sent to be trained on “Indirect Fire” weapons.  Mortar Gunnery School.  Unlike Rifles or Artillery, which are, at least in theory, “Direct Fire” weapons, the Mortar is fired high into the sky and, done properly, comes raining down out of the sky on your enemy like “Fire and Brimstone” on Sodom and Gomorra.

I also learned that the Mortar is a useful fishing accessory but that’s another story.

In addition to learning how to kill your enemy without ever seeing them, I think the most valuable thing I learned in Advanced Training was the magic of the clipboard.  It was a ticket to freedom on many days.

Walk around with a clipboard containing several pages of paperwork and others assumed you were working on a task of some kind. That clipboard would make those NCO’s and Officers who  had the power of making your life miserable more likely target those whose hands were empty for such enterprises as moving a pile of rocks from one side of the Parade Ground to the other on a day when it was 102 degrees in the non-existent shade.

By the time I made Sergeant I had turned the use of the clipboard into an art form.  It very often bought me many hours of leisure in place of undesired labor at menial tasks.

Want to have some fun?

In civilian life I observed that many public “servants” and private workers who serve the public, do not like note takers as they fear what might come back to haunt them from carefully documented note pages.

So, I substitute a notebook for my army clipboard.

I like to take a notebook with me when needing to visit the offices of sometimes surly City, County, State or Federal employees.  It also is helpful in commercial public enterprises.

For example, you might want to try this:

In a public office or private enterprise, enter and walk up to the counter. After making sure you are being observed,  take out and open your notebook and, looking at your watch or the clock on the wall, make note of the date and time. Then, with a friendly smile say “Good Morning” and ask the clerk for their name or copy it carefully from their name badge into your notebook.   If they ask you what you are doing,  just smile and say that your memory is not so good and you need notes to remind you of the purpose of your visit and what you accomplished during your time there.  Make  some notes to yourself in the notebook during the visit. At all times, and despite any aggravation, remain, pleasant and courteous. It works even better if you have a silent friend with you who just listens and smiles.

You might be amazed at the polite, helpful, even courteous service this usually leads to.

A little planning ahead and a clipboard, notebook or other prop can greatly enrich your life.

I have many fun examples I could share from my experiences but enough for now.

Bob Bandy

 

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Criminal Enterprises

May 22, 2016 By: bob Category: Humor, On Bob's Mind

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Criminal Enterprise 3

A story of two organizations.  

One is a ruthless, efficient, organized criminal enterprise.  

The other is a ruthless, corrupt, inefficient, dysfunctional, poorly organized criminal enterprise that can’t balance its own books.

One of these organizations is operated by professional criminals.

The other is comprised of a few good men and women.  The other 98% are clowns, criminals and lunatics.  Sort of Larry, Moe and Curly on steroids trying to be a well oiled criminal enterprise.

Which is which?  Here is a hint.  One of them is 19 Trillion Dollars in debt.

If you had a license to legally pick the pockets of everyone in America don’t you think you could at least break even?

Meet your government.  They “legally” tax your income, your property, most everything you buy, your phone, water, gas, electric, cable television, etc. etc. bill. They also attach fees and assessments to your property tax bill.  They even charge sales tax on the “other taxes” on gasoline and many other items.   As the comedian Gallagher once said “Everywhere you leak they hang a bucket!”

Despite government’s ability to rob us endlessly, they still run deficits, then tax us to pay the interest on the debt that they created.  Talk about “creative accounting”!

Not to worry though.  Soon we will be given the choice for a new “Dear Leader” to guide us further down the path of bloated government and overwhelming debt for our children and grandchildren which will have to be “paid for” with devalued and inflated dollars.

Looks like we will be able to choose between “Hillary” (if she can stay out of jail) or “The Donald”.  What could possibly go wrong?

Bob Bandy

 

 

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AS GOOD AS IT GETS

December 31, 2015 By: bob Category: Humor

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Hillary and Donald 1a

America, a country with a population of over 300 million.  Is this the best we can be offered for the most important job in the country?

In this corner we have Hillary Clinton.  A serial purveyor of untruth and the matron of the Clinton Crime Family.  As Secretary of State Hillary left a trail of broken countries and disasters wherever she went.  A legacy of fear and anguish among America’s friends and hope and joy within the ranks of our nations foes. Her husband is a classic abuser of women, some willing and many unwilling (Jennifer Flowers, Juanita Broderick, Monica Lewinsky ad infinitum) and was disbarred from practicing law in Arkansas following a conviction for perjury.

In the opposite corner we have Donald, alias: P T Barnum – The Greatest Show on Earth – Trump.  He who is going to build a 3,000 mile long wall that will rival the Great Wall of China on our Southern Border and let Mexico pay for it with a smile on their face.

Scenario One:  The election is between Hillary and “The” Donald.  Hillary gets 80% of the Democratic vote who hold their noses and vote for her.  The other 20% don’t vote.  Donald gets the enthusiastic  vote of 45% of the Republican vote.  The rest stay home.  Hillary wins. The country continues on the road to destruction.

Scenario Two:  The Republicans run another “Establishment” candidate.  25% of Republicans vote for the Establishment candidate.  The 45% who would have voted for “The Donald” write him in.  The 30% who are sick of the whole thing stay home. Hillary gets 80% of the Democratic vote.  Hillary wins.  The country goes to hell in a handbasket.

Scenario Three:  The Republicans run a “Conservative” candidate who gets 60% of the Republican vote. Half of the 40% who would have voted for Donald stay home and the other half write him in. The other 20% of Republicans (Establishment type) either stay home or sit in a corner somewhere and pout.  Hillary gets 80% of the Democratic vote.  Hillary wins. The Clinton’s are resurrected as a co-presidency and re-invade the White House.  Bill starts interviewing future “Interns”.

The “New Regime” borrows a 100 Billion Dollars from George Soros at 30% interest. The proceeds of the loan are funneled through the Clinton Foundation who take a 10 Billion Dollar “Finders Fee”  and the remainder is used to hire the Trump Corporation to build a wall on our southern border to keep the dwindling number of honest, working American taxpayers from fleeing and becoming undocumented immigrants in Mexico.

Post Mortem:  Hillary sells the exclusive television rights to her suddenly found “Lost Emails” to MSNBC for 100 Million Dollars.

Hillary wins.  The Democrats win.  The Donald wins.  Mexico wins.  “A Grand Slam”.

As good as it gets!

ADDENDUM

Dateline: March 9, 2016

It appears as of this writing that of the Scenarios I spelled out on December 31, 2015 the most likely to come to pass is Scenario One.  However it is just possible (call it an “inside straight” in Poker terminology) that another outcome might occur.  Let’s call it…..

Scenario Four:  Hillary finds herself in an orange jump suit (finally) and goes to jail.  The Republican Party continues its Kamikaze attacks against the “Trumpster”, commits suicide and becomes a footnote in the dustbin of history.  Our current President decides that for the good of the country he must cancel the upcoming election and with his pen and phone uses an Executive Order to declare himself “El Presidente For Life”.  America becomes a Banana Republic which drowns in a Tsunami of ever increasing public debt.

As good as it gets 2.0!

Bob Bandy

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PAPERWORK REDUCTION

February 21, 2015 By: bob Category: Humor, Something To Think About

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Cluttered_Desk

 

EVER HAD ONE OF “THOSE” DREAMS?

THE KIND YOU WAKE UP FROM IN A COLD SWEAT

Last night I dreamed that I was working in the California State Department of Paperwork Reduction.

A wonderful place to work that was a model of diversity.  We had one of every race, creed, nationality, religion, mental and physical handicap and everything else you can imagine.  Even different political parties were represented though it was rumored that the token Republican had not been seen in a while and was possibly in a 24 step recovery program.  This is California after all.

We also had employees whose only job was to act as interpreters for employees engaged in conversations in different languages.

The mission of our department is to reduce the excessive use of paper within California to help in the war against Global Climate Change.  Three Hundred and Fifty, dedicated to the cause employees occupying four floors of a state office building in Sacramento.  Working diligently three, sometimes four days a week depending on holidays, vacations, jury duty, sick leave, comp time etc.

To fulfill our mission our job is to produce a 172 page workbook every year that is to be mailed to every place of business in California.  The title of this workbook is: YOUR PLACE IN PAPERWORK REDUCTION.

Within the information packed workbook will be a snap out set of forms (12 pages) which is to be copied and distributed to every employee at each place of business. Each employee is to fill out the 12 page questionnaire, sign it, copy it and then mail back the original to the California State Department of Paperwork Reduction for tabulation and completion of a 1500 page report which is to be distributed annually to all other State Departments.

In addition a copy of the 1500 page tabulated “Final Report” will be sent to each of the businesses within California who participated.

What could possibly go wrong?  This is government at work.

Bob Bandy

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Government Conspiracy Theory

July 14, 2014 By: bob Category: Humor

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Aw, the simple light bulb.  Hardly a candidate for a government conspiracy you think.  But, you could be wrong.

Last week the Environmental Protection Agency issued a statement that they have the power to, and would begin attaching the paychecks of folks who violate EPA Regulations.  And, they said they do not have to go to court to do this.

Enter the Government Approved Compact Florescent Light Bulb.  Caution: Contains Mercury.

Our government tells us that these give off just as much light as a “regular” incandescent bulb while using up to 70% less energy.  The package I have in front of me tells me that it gives off the same amount of light as a 60 watt bulb while consuming only 14 watts.

Pardon me, I had to turn on an old fashioned incandescent bulb to read the package because the 14 watt “CFL” bulb does not provide enough light for me to read the labeling.

The package tells me these will last up to 7 years.  My own experience is more like 7 months. When they do “go out” you now are faced with disposal in an “Environmental Protection Agency Approved” obstacle course.  For some fun reading you might want to go to  www.gov.epa/cfl   Be sure to read everything.  You don’t want to miss anything because “ignorance” (not having read some sub-paragraph) is no excuse to the Dark Lords at the EPA.

Be especially careful in reading what is required if you should ever break one of these little environmental time bombs.

What you will find in reading through the regulations is that disposal requirements vary from location to location depending on City, County, State and Federal Regulations.  In some areas it may be as simple as getting in your car and driving them to your local Home Depot Store where you may be able to dispose of them at an “Approved Site” (Properly filled out forms may, or may not be required).

It is your responsibility to know and comply with all regulations at all levels. Failure to comply is subject to EPA fines and wage (or other asset) attachment.

I thought it might be kind of fun to package up the “dead” ones and mail them to your elected representative that voted for the forced use of these little monsters.  But, I would not want to violate any regulations.

One last thing.  Don’t even think of putting “dead” (or alive) Compact Florescent Bulbs in your “regular” trash.  Remember, they contain Mercury and we all know what the EPA thinks about the hazards of Mercury.

Lets see,  our government mandates use of these bulbs and the EPA can fine you for improper use or disposal.  About 300 Million+ Americans disposing of an average of two to three CFL bulbs per year.  Lets assume a fine of $1000 per bulb (this is Chump Change to the EPA which normally thinks in terms of $10,000 per day fines).  Do the math.  Think of all the money the EPA can collect in fines if they just want to.

Conspiracy?  Tell me which government agency you trust.  Internal Revenue Service?  Justice Department?

Bob Bandy

 

 

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